The Boy is MINE
by Goddess R
Summary: My first pathetic attempt at humour. A sattire/parody on Harry Potter pairings! The love interests of Harry duke it out to win his love in an outragous contest that Harry knows nothing about! Will things get out of hand? Please Read and Review! *Mild Lang
1. And in this Corner...

***Disclaimer: Harry Potter is strictly owned by JK Rowling and no one else.***

A/n: I've been reading fanfics for a long time. And it seems to me that most fanfiction (especially romantic fanfiction) pair Harry Potter up with a lot of people. A lot. There is also a lot of controversy over who Harry Potter is/will be in love with. I guess this is my way of making my stand on the matter known.

~*~*~

Harry walked gloomy down the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He walked alone, as Hermione and Ron both ditched him earlier rather abruptly for reasons unknown. He sighed and walked over to the library. After plopping down on at a table, he sadly began to read by himself.

"Oi, Harry! What's up?" Seamus Finnigan said from the table behind him. Dean Thomas, who was with him waved at Harry. They both had huge grins on his face.

Harry shrugged.

"You all right?" Seamus asked again, still smiling. "What's up? Where's Ron and Hermione?" At this Dean turned around quickly and covered his face to stifle his laughter.

Not noticing this, Harry only sighed.

"Wish I knew," he answered glumly. "They ditched me for no reason two seconds ago. Said they had 'important business' to take care of, and then disappeared. But I have no idea what they meant,"

Dean turned back and faced Harry, almost bursting with laughter.

"Y-yeah…I dunno Harry…it's probably nothin', you know!"

Harry narrowed his eyes.

"….what's up guys? What's so funny?" he asked slowly.

Dean and Seamus looked at each other and shook their heads in unison.

"Nothing!" they both said at the same time. 

"No, don't worry bout it Harry. Just….uh…continue reading!" Seamus said and turned back around. Almost immediately the two started to laugh. 

Harry shook his head and continue to read. Obviously there was something going on….something to do with Ron and Hermione? But whatever it was it had to be pretty funny….

~*~*~

Inside the Great Hall, a beautiful, talented and EXTREMELY intelligent Terra Seruba stood loftily on top of a huge stage in the front. Huge crowds of students cheered her on as she raised the mike to her.

Terra: Heeelllloooo fellow Hogwarts students!!!! I'm Terra , and welcome to the seventh annual The Boy is MINE contest! You all know the drill! Each year, you pick someone who's totally adored sometimes for no reason, and ya bring his admirers up here to duke it out for all the public to see! Now, just before we start, I HAVE to stay. This contest is full of violence, foul humour, profanity and LOTSA stuff not suitable for children, so all of y'all in first and second year better get the hell out!

Disgruntled and swearing loudly, all the first and second year kids get up and leave the room.

Terra: All right. Now…on with the show! First-

Random Person from the Audience: TAKE IT OFF!!!

The audience cheers loudly.

Terra: growls Hey screw you! Umm….okay, anyway, now first we gotta announce who our boy toy of the year is! And that lucky person is none other than….the Boy Who Lived, HARRY POTTER!!!

Audience cheers aggressively.

Terra: That's right…heh heh…and now for the crazy physco fans of Harry! Now remember. These are the guys who're gonna duke it out for our boy toy's hand! First up…her parents are dentists, her grades are better than yours! Let's here it for Hermione Granger!

Hermione runs out onto the stage with the crowd cheering her on (and some yelling 'will you my homework?')

Hermione: Thanks Terra, it's great to be here. I love Harry with all my heart and soul, and I'm gonna win him no matter WHAT! And no, Fred, I won't do your homework. You can do your own damn homework for once.

Terra: OUCH!!! DAMN!!! Aw man, that's gotta hurt! Well, them's the breaks Fred. Anyway, next up…all the way from the Burrow, commonly known as the littlest Weasely, we got….Ginny Weasely!!!

Ginny walks up on stage, and waves shyly. Hermione looks at her angrily.

Ginny: Thanks for having me, Terra.

Hermione: *cough* skank *cough*

Ginny: (takes out a roll of cough drops) Here you go, Hermione!

Hermione: (looks at her like she's an immense loser and then takes a cough drops) Yeah…thanks.

Terra: All right, up next! She's beautiful, she smart, she's the seeker for Raven Claw….give it up for Choooooo Chang!!

Audience yells even louder than before. Some whistle. Cho comes running up on stage, waving and blowing kisses. Once she comes up stage she stands right in between Hermione and Ginny, who both look like their thirsty for blood.

Cho: (coyly brushing her hair back behind her ears) Oh, I'm just so nervous! I really hope I win

Hermione: Well, if it was a air head competition you woulda already one.

Cho: Go read a book.

Before a cat fight can break out Terra steps in between them. 

Terra: Ooooookay!! Hehehehe….Let's carry on, shall we? Up next we have….

She checks her list and spots a name. Immediately her jaw drops. She checks it one more time and then looks back at the audience.

Terra: ….um….I guess….we have…Ronald Weasely?

Silence. A few odd, confused claps here and there can be heard in the room. Cho, Ginny, and Hermione look at each other bewildered. Ron comes running up to the stage waving enthusiastically.

Ron: Hello everyone! I'm sooo excited to be here! I so hope I win!

Terra: Aren't you Ron's best friend?

Ron: (looks at her for a moment and the narrows his eyes) Oh, I see what this is….just because I'm a guy, I'm not allowed to be in love with another guy, is THAT it?

Terra (starting to sweat) no…no…that's not it at all…

Ron swipes the mike from Terra and steps out infront of her.

Terra: HEY!! Give that back!

Ron: NO! I will NOT be silenced! My voice will be heard, by Selena it will!

Hermione turns to Ginny and mouths the words 'by Selena?' Terra runs up to Ron , takes the mike from him and smacks him on the head.

Terra: Fool. Do that again and I'll castrate you. Now….lastly on the list, we have….(checks the list. This time a look of utter shock appears on her face). Oh I don't believe this….(she turns to the camera men in the corner) What the hell is this? He's his _worst _enemy! 

The camera men shrug.

Terra: (sighing) Whatever. Okay, Draco Malfoy, come on down.

Draco saunters onto the stage. Hermione, Cho, Ginny and the entire audience stare at him opened mouthed while Ron gives him his best 'Oh no he didn't' look.

Draco: Thank you Terra, it's good to be here. And let me take this time to profess my undying love for my sweet, brave Harry Bunny…

Hermione: _Harry Bunny_? 

Ron: (flips his hair back…which is kinda useless since he has short hair) Oh please. Harry Bunny? Boy, you _need_ to get a reality check

Draco: S'cuse me?

Ron: That's right. Cuz everybody knows Harry's my guy.

Hermione: (suddenly remembering where she is) What the? Harry, you're guy? Ron, don't kid yourself. You've read the fanfics, Harry's in love with me!

Draco: You need to get your but back to huss school, girlfriend. Harry loves me.

Hermione: _Girlfriend_? 

Ginny: But none of you have proof that he actually loves you!

Draco: Yes I do. He told me.

Hermione: LIAR

Cho: Hey…wait a sec…you're guys! Ha, I get it! Good work Terra!

Terra sits back and watches the cat fight for a moment grinning widely. 

Terra: heh heh…this is gold. Gonna get ratings for sure…(then remembering that her mike's still on laughs nervously). heh heh…you know me, guys…just jokin'! Anyway, there you have it folks! The five competors willing to risk it all for Harry Potters love! (turns to the 'competors') Now remember, you'll all have your chance to prove your love for Harry…but you'll have to do some pretty messed up things to do it! You up to it?

Hermione: (glaring at everyone) Course! I can win, no problem!

Ron: I am so up to it!

Ginny: I'll do my best 

Hermione sticks out her tongue at her.

Cho: Yeah sure!….hey, Hermione? Oh! You like the taste of air too!?

Draco: Harry my love…we'll be together.

Terra: There you go! Now y'all just sit back and enjoy the messed up ri-

All of a sudden someone from the audience throws something onto the stage. Terra walks up to it and picks it up.

Terra: What the…(after examining it she looks up furious at the audience) UNDERWEAR? What the hell? Who was that!!?

Silence. Terra looks at them for a moment and then growls fiercely.

Terra: Oh, I get it. You're probably the same jack ass who told me to take my shirt off!! Well, I'll show you!! That's right! I'll find out who your are if it's the-

Random Person from the Audience: Take you're shirt off!!! 

Terra: (close to pulling her hair out). YOU JERK!! I'LL FIND YOU!!!!!

****To be continued***

A/n: Yeah, I know. It's kinda messed up. I did it kinda spur of the moment. I also have to say that I KNOW that Ron, Hermione, Draco, Cho and Ginny are not represented truthfully…that is to say I messed with their personalities. It's supposed to be that way. Anyway, cast in your votes to see who you thinks gonna win this years The Boy is MINE contest!! 

*~Terra~*


	2. Gladiator

***Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter****

~*~*~

Terra: (looking from person to person in the audience paranoid) All right.. .. folks. It's time for us to start our first competition! (turns behind her) Boys!

All of a sudden huge men drag out a tall podium onto the stage. Ginny, Cho, Hermione, Ron and Draco look at each other confused.

Terra: The first game is called….GLADIATOR!! It's quite simple to play (grabs a long pole, each end padded with blue Styrofoam, and twirls it around). Basically you each take one of these and kick the shit out of each other.

The audience starts singing and the contestants look at each other. Ron and Draco look sick, Ginny looks worried, Cho looks confused and Hermione looks dangerously excited.

Hermione: All right! Let's get this show on the road (grabs the stick from Terra and raises it high above her head). As God as my witness, with this Gladiator sticky thing, I will WIN HARRY'S LOVE!

Everyone watches as she runs behind stage. There's silence.

Terra:….okay….all right then. All of you follow her behind stage and get geared up. Oh, and don't forget these (she hands them all a piece of paper).

Ginny: What's this?

Terra: Oh just something you should sign.

Ginny: (reading) 'Terra Seruba and all workers involved with The Boy is MINE contest is hereby not responsible for any damage caused by the participants…' 

Terra: (nervously) Heh heh…don't read that all now…heh… good girl, go on!

Terra shoves Ginny behind the stage.

Terra: Well now that they're all getting prepared, how about we find out whose underwear this is? (holds up the pair of underwear and smiles deviously)

~*~*~

Harry looked at his watch. He'd been in the library for almost half an hour by himself. Of course, being by himself didn't exactly bother him…that was Seamus and Dean, who kept looking at him and cracking up. Finally, after hearing another outburst of chuckling, Harry got up angrily and walked over to them.

"Hey Harry!" Dean said trying to keep a straight face.

"Top of the mornin' to ya," Seamus said.

"All right, what's going on?" Harry said furiously.

Dean and Seamus exchanged amused glances.

"Don't know what you're talking about," said Seamus.

Harry growled.

"Don't play that with me! I know something's goin' on. If you don't tell me, I'll just find out myself," he said.

Seamus sighed and got up.

"Dear Harry. I assure you, there is nothing going on," he said. Harry opened his mouth to protest, but Seamus shook his head and shoved him back into his seat. "Now study," he said. "Remember what Hermione always says-"

But no sooner than the word 'Hermione' come out of his mouth did Seamus start cracking up again. Dean soon joined him.

Harry looked at them for a moment before finally letting out a desperate yell.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

~*~*~

After a long grueling interrogation from Terra Seruba, the competitors come back out, fully dressed in helmets, knee and elbow pads, and other Gladiator-style protective gear. The audience cheers as they come out.

Terra: Great! So we're ready, huh?

Ron (fidgeting) these cloths are _way_ too tight. And it leaves nothing to the imagination!

Hermione: Hey, like we told you before, there's no pink! Deal with it!

As Ron starts to tear Draco puts a comforting hand on his soldier. Ron stops crying and stares at him. Draco stares back. A strange look appears on both their faces, but they suddenly pull apart and inch away from each other.

Terra: What the hell was that?

Cho: Hey no fair! If they want each other, then I think they shouldn't be allowed to play!

Hermione: Shut the hell up!

Terra: _Okay_! Save it for the competition! Now, I'll call pairs will be as follows. First round is Ginny vs. Draco.

Ginny and Draco exchange passive glances.

Terra: Second round is Hermione vs. Ron!

Hermione grins evilly at Ron while Ron whimpers and waves back.

Cho: Hey, what about me? It's only me left…so who do I get paired with?!!

Terra: Um….you get to play the winner!

Cho: Oh…I don't get it.

Terra: Let the first round begin!!!

Ginny and Draco, polls in hand, climb the podium.

Ginny: Do we really have to do this? It's so mean…

Draco: (making a dramatic pose) Oh I _know_! But sister, if you can't take the heat (he looks at Ginny and smirks) I guess you're just not fit to call yourself Harry's lover.

Ginny: (furious) What?

Draco: It's a shame really. Thinking that someone like _you_…poor…filthy…and absoltely lacking in fashion sense, could _ever_ win my Harry's heart.

Ginny: W-H-A-T???!!

Terra: Let the match begin!

Immediately Ginny takes the poll and swings madly at Malfoy hitting Malfoy and causing him shriek girlishly with each swing.

Draco: A-OW! Time out, time out!

Ginny: (screaming with each swing) I AM NOT POOR! I AM NOT FILTHY! AND I THINK THESE FLARES MAKE ME LOOK SEXY!!!!

Draco ducks a swing and makes a face.

Draco: Yeah right! Huss, go back to your little hippie land!

Ginny: WHAT, WHAT, _WHAT_?

Ginny raises the poll high above her shoulders and is about to bring it down violently when Draco takes a dive.

Draco: (crying like a girl) I'm a hemophiliac! I'm a hemophiliac!!!!

Ginny looks at him for a moment before turning away in disgust. Just as she does, Draco takes a swing at her legs and knocks her off the podium.

Terra: OH!! How foul! How dirty! But then again, doesn't matter if he's in love, he's still a Slytherin!

Everyone in the audience who isn't apart of the Slytherin House boos Draco savagely as he jumps of the podium raising his arms triumphantly. The Slytherins cheer at the top of their lungs.

Pansy(from the audience): YEAH MALFOY! BEAT HER GOOD!

Before she could say anything else, Crabbe, who is sitting beside her, leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

Pansy: What the HELL!? You mean this is a I LOVE HARRY CONTEST?!!

Random person from the audience: HEY TERRA! TAKE YOUR PANTIES OFF!!

Terra: Shut the hell up!!

Random persona from the audience: GIVE ME YOUR PANTIES!!

Terra: (eyes twitching) Next… match….

Hermione and Ron jump onto the podium. Hermione never takes her eyes off Ron as she assumes battle position.

Terra: Fight!

Hermione charges at Ron with surprising speed.

Hermione: ALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Ron: Eep!!

Ron drops his stick and braces himself but it does no good. Hermione relentlessly attacks Ron, beating every inch of his body.

Ron: Oh GAWD!! Selena! Selena help me!!

Hermione: Your Selena can't help you now! When I'm through with you, you're gonna be Dreaming of DEATH!!

Hermione throws her stick down and starts to kick him, screaming 'die' with each kick.

Terra: Oh, that's gotta hurt!

Ron: (wailing) As a matter of fact, it does!

Ron continues to wail as Hermione continues flailing him within an inch of his life. Then she stops, grabs her stick and like Ginny had, raises the poll high above her head.

Terra: FINISH HIM!!

In slow motion, Hermione brings the poll down at Ron. 

Ron: (in slow mo) NOOOOOOO!!!!

Hermione (in slow mo) DIEEEEEEEE!!!!

Tears flying from his eyes from the pain of the impact, Ron flies off the podium. The audience groans in sympathy as he lies there, a pathetic lifeless carcass.

Terra: His soul is mine!! I mean…the match goes to Hermione!!!

Hermione does a flip off the podium and lands gracefully—on top of Ron.

Ginny: (terrified) Wow…Hermione…heh heh…I never knew you were so…_angry_…

Hermione: I'll do anything to win my Harry. Plus I never really liked Ron…

Terra: heh heh…the psychotic bookworm…. (now turning to the audience) Now, I guess that means that Cho'll have to fight either Hermione or Draco! Cho, come on down!!!

Audience waits for Cho. Nothing happens.

Terra: Um…Cho?

Hermione: Where the hell is she?

Suddenly muffled whimpering can be heard back stage. Hermione runs back stage momentarily and returns dragging a screeching Cho with her.

Cho: NO!! N-NO, I d-don't WANNA!! HEEEELP!!! ME!!

Hermione: Shut up you whining slut! That's it, you're gonna fight me!

Cho: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!

Cho finds some way to wriggle out of Hermione's grasp and starts to run.

Hermione: (enraged) OH NO YOU DON'T!!!

Hermione runs after her, occasionally running past Ginny, who was dressing her brother's many wounds, and Draco who was styling his hair. Terra looks at the sorry sight and shakes her head.

Terra: Sigh. Okay folks, we'll wait for these guys to get themselves together, and then we'll start the next part of the competition: Super Stars!! (Looks back at the competitors and sighs again). That is IF these guys get themselves together. Damn….

***To be Continued***

A/n: Gosh! That Hermione…but I guess the quiet ones are always the most violent! Well, I just want to make clear that just because Ron and Ginny lost the first match, does not mean that I prefer H/D or H/H pairings! Just keep watching to see what'll happen and don't forget to show your moral support! Also, I hope I didn't offend anyone who may be hemophiliacs. I didn't mean to be insulting but if I was, please forgive me.

*~Terra~*

Up next: Intermission features two young singers! But will this give rise to two new competitors for Harry's love? And…um…what's Ron and Draco doing voguing?


End file.
